Often when somebody suffers a bereavement, it’s hard to know what to do and we often go onto autopilot – typically sending a sympathy card or some flowers. However, in her recent book ‘Now is not the time for flowers’ Stacey Heale was clear that flowers were probably the last thing she wanted when her husband died.
We know that death is something many people find extremely hard to talk about and sometimes we avoid contacting a friend or family member after a death, as we simply don’t know what to say. We also hear ourselves saying ‘just let me know if you need anything’. While this is kind, very often, the bereaved person has no real idea what it is they do need at that time.
If you’re able, then cooking food is a useful way of supporting a bereaved family. In an episode of ‘The Food Chain’ on the BBC World Service, Lindsay Ostrum remembers food packages turning up when her newborn son, Afton, died.
“People don’t know what to say and they don’t know what the appropriate action might be,” said Lindsay. “I think food says the bottom line thing, which is I care about you. When you provide food for someone, you are telling them that you see they are in a hard spot and want to help them continue to heal and to feel loved and comforted, but you don’t necessarily have to have the words for that.”
When visiting the US last year for a funeral, somebody who works with us at Tester & Jones was impressed to see that the local church had organised a rota to make sure that one bereaved family had a regular supply of meals. In a Guardian blog, US writer and musician David Ferguson said: “I don’t know if it’s a southern thing, a farm community thing, or maybe it’s just old fashioned, but where I come from, when somebody dies, the casserole dishes start coming out almost before anyone’s called the coroner.”
“The bounty serves a dual purpose,” he explained. “The grieving family is freed of having to shake off their heavy sadness in order to cook for themselves and they also have a variety of treats on hand to any well-wishers who will come to pay their respects.”
We’ve shared this tip before… but somebody we know at Tester & Jones makes a habit of popping into one of the charity shops in Crowborough to buy casserole dishes, which are often only a few pence. She can then deliver a warming meal, without worrying about the dish being returned. Alternatively, it’s worth hanging onto takeaway containers and dividing up a dish into individual portions for the freezer – so there are home-cooked meals for those days somebody doesn’t feel up to cooking.
We know through talking to members of our Bereavement Group (the BGs) that the small gestures of delivering some homemade soup or a cake during such a difficult time can mean so much. In addition, some members enjoy going out for meals together, as it’s something they are missing doing with a partner.
While we are probably all quite good at contacting a bereaved person in the days or weeks after a death, it’s important to remember that they might still appreciate a call or message months down the line. Our BGs say that weekends can often seem very long without their loved one. Those two days are traditionally time spent with family – so a quick call or the suggestion of a day out, trip to the cinema, coffee or walk could really make a difference.
And, don’t dismiss flowers. While it might be overwhelming to receive countless bouquets in the week or so after a bereavement, a bunch sent with love and a kind note a month or so later will always be appreciated.
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